82 How I Lost My Faith


Almost 10 years ago i saw a 4 year old girl die a very painful death, and that statement alone should cover it, i  now believe that in a world supposed to be guarded and protected by an almighty loving god, nobody, specially a four year old innocent child should experience any kind of suffering, but it wasn't just that. That girl was my niece, we grew up on a very religious Christian family, with my grandma being a fundamentalist everyone else had and still has a very strong faith, the family is so big that we had at least two churches filled with relatives of some sort.

Back then i was around 13 years old and used to go to church every Sunday, there probably wasn't a single night when i wouldn't pray to god and ask him to please let me live my life fully and refrain from destroying the world like everyone at church said he would, i was most of the time scared about something, scared about doing something that would piss off god, scared of suddenly dying and ending up in hell, scared of ghosts, scared of witches, my favorite book was Revelations, to me it was some kind of epic war that i would probably had to participate in, since everyone kept saying how "the time was near".

I was a god fearing kid, during the day i would live a pretty normal life, not thinking about god or church at all,  i don't want to make it sound as if i was living in misery, my life was alright, it was just at night, when i was alone with my thoughts that i would start having problems, all those stories about satan, torture, hellfire and that guy bleeding in a cross would pop into my mind, very friendly imagery for any kid. But then came the event that would change my mind completely.

My niece had a strange infection, she had chickenpox, she probably had a bad reaction to the medication and not only were her insides damaged but the virus probably developed into herpes zoster, something very rare these days, but still, it happened, we all cried and mourned her death, it was tragic and unfair as any deaths, but this was a 4 year old girl that lived a very happy life, i couldn't understand why god would take her from us, a very religious, god fearing family.

Nobody could understand it, the pastor told us she was special in god's eyes, and that only god knew why she took her, nothing too convincing, even for a 13 year old, now, my family started gossiping, that it was god's punishment to my aunt because she was such a bad person in their eyes, ok, but why would god make my niece suffer to punish my aunt?, others said that my uncle and aunt were going through some marital problems and it would probably get worse, so god took my niece so she wouldn't suffer, but, from what i was hearing, she died in excruciating pain, so god made her suffer so she wouldn't suffer?.

Before you even mention it, i wasn't "mad" at god or angry, i just wanted a good answer, a good rational answer as to why would an omnipotent being allow something like that to happen, if indeed god didn't want my niece to suffer through my uncle and aunt's eventual divorce, isn't god all knowing?, why allow her to be born in the first place?. All of a sudden, god, wasn't as smart as i thought, nobody ever got an answer, most people were happy with just believing that she was with god, and thats all that mattered, i wasn't, to me she was important enough to get a straight answer from god himself, no "signs" or meaningful dreams, i was very young back then, but old enough to recognize murder when i saw it, god murdered my niece and he wasn't giving any straight answers.

From that day on i stopped caring about anything that had to do with religion, for the next couple of years i still believed there was a god, but he wasn't as loving as everyone said, to me he was a coward and a murderer that didn't dare to even explain his actions, i never hated god, or had resentment against him, i just wanted him to do what anyone would do and give out some real answers, the more time went by, the bigger the question grew in my mind, could it be, that god, didn't exist?.

It would certainly answer a lot of questions, maybe we were all kidding ourselves, god didn't answer any questions, but he really was a very good tool for comforting my family, if someone was crying or sad about my niece, you could just walk up to the person and pull out the god card, and just like that you would hear a tender sigh of comfort out of that person, was that it?, was god just a commodity to make people feel better about their very delicate, very mortal lives?.

My family and friends were all religious, so religious that it wasn't until the sudden rise of the internet that i realized i wasn't the only person that didn't believe in god anymore, on the internet i found this hilarious old guy called George Carlin, he was challenging god to strike him down right on a stage, after offending him for about an hour, and nothing happened. To me, that bit the great George Carlin did about how religion was bullshit, it felt like finding god, it opened my eyes to just how big the world was, the internet showed me all the right answers, i learned about everything school back then didn't teach me, or at least not in a proper way.

Ideas, culture, knowledge, all at the touch of a button, at age 16, technology slapped me in the face and woke me up from the intellectual slumber i was on, it made me realize how everyone i knew was an insignificant amount of people when compared to the vastness of the world,  it showed me that there was suffering in the world that was way worse than what happened to my niece, kids that die by the hour in africa and south america, families that have nothing to eat, no hope at all. Simply, god didn't fit anymore,the more i knew, the more his existence made less sense, during the next 5 years knowledge and perspective blew god away. 

And now, almost 10 years after that tragic event that triggered my critical mind, i'm writing about it, with the hopes that maybe i'll be the one that triggers your mind into realizing how vast and how great the world is, and accepting how fragile and short life is, to be wasting it by living in fear and servitude of some imaginary being.


82 Response to "How I Lost My Faith"

ShredGuitar said...

Cool stuff.

Follow me bros!

Savage Nugget said...

Not sure when i lost my religion...just know it's gone. :D

batgirl said...

if santa's not real, why would got be?
srsly, think about it.
I was raised in a christian family, but as I got older it all sort of lost its appeal after realizing that people have seen more unicorns than they have seen "god"
):

Viperman said...

There is no God...religion is stupid and I dont even know why people follow it

Sorry im saying it so harshly and sorry you had to see that 4 yr old girl

Michele said...

I think that there is no god...
Btw supporting :)

oh lawds said...

sad story bro

Deep Thought said...

this is so deep. glad that you've found your truth and you're free.

Come At Me Bro said...

This is sweet!

In Dodd I trust said...

hope you reach out to someone. some people go their whole lives without thinking rationally and critically, consider yourself lucky you did so young

http://wordofdodd.blogspot.com/

amidoinitrite? said...

holy moly!

Christmas Cabbie said...

I don't know why everyone is so convinced god is suppose to be good. To create both good and evil, wouldn't you have to be neither?

carbunklet said...

Sad :/

ShredGuitar said...

Supportin!

Follow me bros.

soccernews said...

well this just makes me sad

Biff Tanner said...

Damn sucks
i vote no god

mickvp said...

:( !

Trashcanman said...

:c

Potato Skinz said...

Insert sad and upset face here!

And surprisingly, I was training for the Ministry when I was much younger (17)... Dont hold that against me

Fuuuuuuuu said...

it looks like you're headed in the right direction with this post...

Mr. Smith said...

Eh... I agree with your saying and I can relate.. but I'm somewhat biased I guess.

Jram said...

"The more I knew, the more his existence made less sense" Knowledge is the destroyer of fiction.

delphinium said...

nice

Randy said...

I never belived.

The Loon said...

>_< Sad story.

David said...

Sorry about your loss.

ramrod360 said...

Thats something no one should see.

Dilly Skates said...

sad story bro.

Nine said...

I lost my religion at a young age. Mainly because my dad grew out of it when I was young and my mom was a hardcore atheist to begin with.

Naj said...

see, this is what i mean when say that nobody becomes atheist or lost their belief in god by being "converted" by another atheist. i think that almost every atheist becomes one through life experiences not because their friend told them about atheism.

! Starcraft II ! said...

I'm sorry for your loss but you must keep the faith

David Davidson said...

Sounds just like how I converted. Classmates that didn't make sense but of course they were more learned in their beliefs than me.

Then, the internet changed all that and I've been grateful ever since.

~Andrew Wilson said...

Wow, thats a great story

Skunkfunk said...

This is deep... But it seems religion seems to fade more and more

- Enfermo - said...

nice post :(

The Nobody said...

awww that's so sad :( i'm sorry to hear about your niece :(((((((

Alex Raintree said...

It's a very sad story, and I'm sorry you and your family had to go through that. It is interesting to note though that the story of the first sin was eating of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. "God" in the story did not want humankind to be burdened with such knowledge. For, if you were without the capacity to judge good and evil wouldn't your feelings in the situation involving your niece be different? When some people see a nature show with a predatory animal attacking another they think "awwww! poor thing!" When we decided we knew right from wrong and good from bad "God" stepped back and said "ok then, let's see what you do now that you have this knowledge." - That being said The Church has screwed up a good story with lots of wisdom in it by using fear and confusion. However, as Bill Hicks would say "But it doesn't matter! Because it's just a ride."

Also, as I side note the bible never says the creator is omniscient, only that he is omnipotent and that he used that power to grant us the power to choose. (see what I did there? hehe hope you don't mind :)

Sara said...

that's to bad, thank you for sharing.

Coolwhip said...

Sad story bro

David said...

Too bad..

B. Heck said...

That's a cool story. I remember when I lost my faith, I was like four years old during new years eve. I don't know what happened, but I just didn't believe any of that stuff anymore...

google4christmas said...

you know he's always there for you.
(or not)

MacPCharmony said...

I appreciate your kind comments on my blog :)

rockStar said...

supportin you.. as always <3

Friendly Fundie said...

sorry to hear man, following.

modest crisis said...

You may have lost faith in one thing, but you now have faith in the truth. That we are all in this world together and everyone's fighting their own fight.

However, nothing compares to how unfortunate those are in Africa :(

KC. said...

When I was a little girl I remember the Pastor telling us that being Christian is to be Christ-like. And if you weren't 100% sure you'd go to heaven, if there is any doubt, then you're not Christ-like...therefore not Christian. I've seen a lot of bad shit man. I don't know what did it, if any single event would or could. But not long ago someone asked me if I was a Christian (because my parents are very religious).

I realized I wasn't sure I was going to heaven, therefore I wasn't Christ-like, and therefore not Christian. Meaning I was not going to heaven.

I surprised myself when I said "I ...I guess not." I wasn't compelled to recommit to the faith because after all that I've seen and gone through myself, I was pretty sure even if I knew 100% that God was real...I would hate him so somuch. So to preserve my image of God, I have to stop believing in him.

Nowadays I spend a huuuuuuge portion of my time not thinking about it. When I do I get angry :(

Come At Me Bro said...

Sweet story!

Dee said...

wow..i have no words :(

showing the daily love!

show it back please!

Dee xx :)

www.theresamouseunderyourpillow.blogspot.com

doomboom9119 said...

im sorry for your loss

Ryan said...

Interesting. You know how I lost my faith? I didn't, the reason I don't believe in God is because there is no evidence for one.

James said...

That's quite a story. Christians would see your situation as a test of Faith. Religion is a tough life choice.

Ankiseth said...

I've never necessarily lost my religion. I've just always been undecided. Everyone will tell you, with absolute certainty, "There is a God!" or "There is no God!"

I don't understand how anyone can claim to know FOR SURE whether or not there's a God. If you can't even convince yourself, how can you convince everyone else?

The one thing, though, that dissuades me from the idea of organized religion (not the existence of a God, necessarily) is that they're all so fear-based. Fear is a great motivator, but a tragic way to get converts to a way of life.

Ankiseth said...

I forgot to toss on there...you've gained a follower in me.

Doobanza said...

Touching story. If there is a God, or another extreme deity, he would not let his own creations suffer.

Tal Zahn said...

I'm sorry you had to go through that when you were younger. I've made my stance on religion in my blog enough and I believe you read it to know where I stand so I'll skip that. I'm just glad you have found what is right for you now and can build a better life for yourself.

Oddly enough, I too as a child would be good by day but scared at night because of the things implied by churches. I was more so afraid of death than religious figures; being separated from my family because either I or they were bad/not good enough.

delphinium said...

sweet

Mitsuru said...

I'm really sorry to hear about your niece. I don't believe in God either and I agree with you, no one ever has a reason for why there is so much suffering and evil in the world, they just say that God knows what he's doing. Not enough of a reason to trust in him in my opinion.

niceonice said...

i also am an atheist

arnyke said...

nice post!
i like your blog!
supportin ;)

Undertaker said...

I guess I'll find out if there is a God when I get there.

Cynthia said...

I don't agree, but it sure suck.. :(

Caroline Amnesty said...

this is interesting..

huh said...

thats deep man

Epic Fitness said...

Don't Stop Believing

shirou said...

lifehack guy supports your blog..

Dilly Skates said...

very sad story

Much Poopies! said...

elo elo, u gud?

smoochies n' poopies. :*

hunter time said...

awww thats so sad tho

Katie Greene said...

good story

Erik The Awesome said...

A great read; and my outdated condolences for the loss of your niece.
I've been an atheist for about 4 years now. I don't have much of a story to it at all beyond one day I started to, well, actually think about things. The funny things is back when I was 12, I went to a Christian art camp for a couple weeks in the summer, and again when I was 13. In those four total weeks, I pretty much read the Bible cover-to-cover. I've long since gone back and filled in those gaps to remove the "pretty much" of that claim.
I've read the Bible. It's one of the biggest reasons I'm an atheist.

Zyanya said...

i dont belive in gods. but not because of something horrible happen to me, or cause all the hate and suffering in the world. just because one day i started to think about it,and well the real desition came from one of the most happiest days of my life, but well that's personal.

many religious people will tell you that all this happen for a reason.

you can belive in whatever you want. but just be prepared for the response, cause well, your reasons are not heavy, you dont need to fight for them of course. but let's face it, you're angry, and dissapointed. there are 2 kinds of atheist for what i think, the one that hate gods. and the one that realize it from good experiences or but logical thinking. i'm not here to judge you, but you need to start really in your head to embrace the ideas, and attack them, so you can be free, because if your desition, (a huge one) is base out of reaction, well you wont feel complete. i guess.. dont know. hope my bad english could be understad.


and just for the record, people that says, "i dont belive in god, cause god would never let any bad happen to their creations" are kinda weak.

horrible things happen, a father could love you, but at the end wont be there looking out for you. if there's a god, he or she should let us make our own mistakes. just an idea. is sad that most atheist are because of this idea, instead of intelectual matter.

pain and love is everywhere. embrace it

Jacob said...

yep at that age you will lose it

Rhinestoneyes said...

God is just something people made up because they wanted a reason for their life, which isn't there.

Kevorkian said...

I just never had faith.
My mind just can't believe the existance of an invisible, all-knowing, all-powerful father/brother/guardian/whatever who cares for us but never acts in a way to clearly show us he exists, specially in the wrecked world we are living in.

Nah, a god MAY exist but surely not in the form most religions describe it. I can imagine him as a kind of scientist experimenting things with an ant colony in a glass container. "let's see how they react if i cause an earthquake here..." and he studies our reactions.

Or maybe a little child who plays with ants in his garden, he puts water in the ants' lair, he steps on them or blows them away. He doesn't know what his actions do to the ants lives, he's not cruel nor good, he just doesn't know what he's doing.

Last i can also think that we are just insignificant to him. I mean, he may have been created the whole universe, a fucking shitload of stars, planets, galaxies and things we can't even imagine nor comprehend, why should he care for some little, pathetic beings on a floating rock when he has the whole universe to care for? Hell, we are so insignificant in the universe that if he exists and created it he might not even know of our -accidental- evolution on this planet.

If a religion taught me about one of these three gods i may have believed them, but not this way.

Hartley said...

I'm more of a logical person myself.

grizz said...

this is really sad.

Six said...

I've seen a lot, been through a lot. I don't believe in a benevolent deity anymore. If there is a God out there, which I imagine there is it's something completely incomprehensible by us. I would really like to elaborate more but not here.

Anyway nice heart touching blog friend.

Megan said...

I can understand where you're coming from in some ways, but definitely not all -- I'm lucky enough to have never lost anyone close to me. I also grew up in a Christian family, and I thought I'd just say that I hate the way most Christians raise their children... The way they don't put the idea into your mind that you HAVE a choice, that there are options, possibilities, opinions, that you're allowed to ask questions. It took me until I was about 15 to really stop believing.

It's cool that you shared your story, you made some good points.

Also, I'm following you now.

Wafflehaus said...

Great story, seriously moving.

riCh said...

I'm terribly sorry about your story. It's a sad thing that you had lost your faith because of it.

The more I read I realize that you lived a reality of a religion that was based in negative values. I am catholic and my parents raised to understand that I have a choice. They didn't imposed any believe in me; they thought me, that's for sure, about God and Catholicism. But at some point they just let me be. They shared their faith with me and then they let go.

I don't know if I'm "pissing out of the toilet" but I firmly believe that God intended science to uncover the misteries in the universe and to improve human life, as long as it doesn't involve messing with someone else. For example: Nuclear energy is a great way of producing electricity, but is also a great way of killing people (Hiroshima and Nagasaki)

I believe in God, I'm still a Catholic and I think that the greatest thing my parents did for me is that they raise believing that I have freedom, that I can choose dead over life, that I can choose to be selfish or to be generous, that I can choose to be a slack or a disciplined guy, I can even choose to believe in God or not.

I believe that every choice you make has conscuences and you're responsible of those. I firmly believe that the important message that parents should give their kids is that those choices will forge their lives.

And in the end, religion is just a way of life and you choose it because you want to. No one can impose it to you, just as you can not impose atheism.

riCh said...

Now, on regards on your niece's death; I suffered something similar when a friend of mine died in a car crash. I thought it was unfair, I couldn't understand it; a priest, friend of mine, told me that God is not a hunter but a gardener. He takes only those fruits that are mature enough. This helped me ease my mind and understand that God is good in the sense of a father who care's for it's children and it's well being, such parents have to do some things that the children do not find apealing.

But that's just my own experience. I don't expect you find comfort in my words and I definetly don't expect you to convert. I just wanted to give you a different point of view on Christianism.

mike00000000001 said...

Ah, but have you considered deism? Many are still convinced, even after leaving Christianity, that an uncreated world does not make sense.

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